Time to Vent

The past few days have been very enjoyable, yet I feel a little flustered at the same time.  I started this blog not knowing what to expect.  I have known for several years I no longer had any religious convictions.  Most of the time I kept this to myself.  Family and my average friends are all LDS and they would be upset if I shared my real feelings.  My wife isn't comfortable talking about it in great detail because she still feels a great deal of pressure from her family to stay somewhat connected to the church.  All of a sudden I found several blogs written by people who have left the church and I love reading what they have to say. 
Reading other blogs and checking what other people feel has inspired me to proudly express my abandonment of the church.  While reading various posts I noticed active LDS members giving a great deal of feedback.  I find nothing wrong with them wanting to get involved and offering their opinion.  What has upset me is when I read the comment "Ya notice how they all leave, but yet they can't leave it alone".  What an errogant comment made by some complete asshole.  Little does he know that comments such as those validate most peoples decisions to leave.  Here is a supposed follower of Christ.  A member of a church that believes it's members are destined to become Gods.  I wonder if he could picture Christ saying something similar, "Ya notice how they left my church, yet they can't leave it alone." 
My decision to write and get involved with other people who have left the church is based on profound feelings of deceit.  All my life I was taught  I was a member of the only true church.  Years of being told what is right and wrong.  I devoted years of my life to preach a gospel that I actually knew nothing about.  I defended this gospel and told countless people their church may offer them happiness in this world, but if they wanted eternal happiness, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was the only true church.  When doubts arose, or I learned things outside the small scope of the weekly Sunday meetings, I was told it was either Anti-Mormon material or I need not focus on such things.  I accepted the guidance but always wondered why I couldn't get answers.  So for any active LDS reader, excuse me if I feel the need to discuss some of the issues never discussed while I was a member.  Maybe if you ever get the nerve to actually do some research, you'll understand how it feels to be lied to and used for many years.
I find the church has many flaws.  All night could be spent reading historical documentation that seems contradict church history.  If you're a former member, do you recall moments when you testimony was challenged and either your bishop, father, or any other church official telling you to simply focus on your testimony of the Book of Mormon?  That was very common for me.  When I was questioning my faith they would always tell me "Don't focus on everything, all you need to know is if the Book of Mormon is true".  Their point was if I knew the Book of Mormon to be true, then everything else must be true too.  It seemed logical and simple enough.   Very similar to the Seinfeld episode of "Serenity now".   These people I trusted and sought guidance from never answered my questions.  Never addressed my concerns.  They dodged confronting the problem and manipulating human emotion turned all attention toward a book that has been part of my life from my earliest memories.   How fucking cowardly and cruel.
So if I was expected to embrace and accept the gospel despite my concerns because "I knew the Boof of Mormon was true", then why can't the roles be reversed?  Meaning, if I can find just one flaw, or one aspect that I know is wrong, then the entire gospel taught by the LDS faith is also wrong.  Seems logical and fair to me.  Critics may say "just because there is one error, doesn't mean the whole church is flawed".  Just like most testimonies sound the same, I'm sure many people were asked to overlook unanswered questions just because they thought the Book of Mormon was true.   So it is logical and it is indeed fair.
One of my first problems in the church was Brigham Young.  Growing up in Provo Utah I knew very little about the man.  He was the second prophet, the school was named after him.  I knew he engaged in polygamy, but I was taught the Lord approved.  Between sports in high school and trying to hang out with my buddies, I paid little attention to the history of Brigham Young.  The internet hit when I was about 16 but very few people utilized it.  These years I had very little to question.  The only thing that pissed me off was I had to confess my sins whenever I rubbed one out or my girlfriend and I went a little too far.
My mission was like a brick in the face.  The ages from 19-21 I was exposed to a great deal and my doubts started to emerge.  I have made small list of a few things I became aware of.

1. What actually went on inside the temple.
2. Masons and the parellels to Mormonism
3. Blood Atonement
4. Multiple aspects of Mormonism and the Negro
5. Mountain Meadow Massacre
6. Brigham Young and his thousands of uplifting quotes

The list can actually be longer but I don't feel it's needed.  I think the point is well established.  So if you consider the church fails miserabely to enlighten it's members on anything beyond Baptism, Repentence, Faith, and Prayer, then you can hopefully understand this is a lot of new material I was taking in.  If you disagree that the church is terrible at informing it's members, just think about your temple prep classes.  You can't keep a serious face and admit the temple ceremony was exactly as imagined.  I swear those classes are worthless....
Daily serving my mission and working hard, I was tormented by this new information.  My mission president never gave me honest answers.  When I returned home, my family and bishop offered nothing.  Again I was asked to rely on my testimony of the Book of Mormon.  I was told I couldn't know all the answers.  Essentially I was being told to follow blindly, or at least with a very narrow view.
There are many reasons I don't believe in the church.  But as I discussed earlier, I only need to offer one.  Brigham Young is like an ace up the sleeve.  Study this mans history.  Read his sermons and ask yourself "Is this really a man of God"?  You can try and justify his cold and brutish mentality by suggesting the great persecution the church was enduring, but I refuse to accept that.  Rememer "pray for them that persecute you".  Christ-like attributes suggest maintaing a higher standard.  Something Brigham Young knew nothing about.  Brigham Young is a savage.  I find it unbelievable people can actually respect and honor him.  One would have to be completely ignorant or unwilling to accept reality.  I still remember the first quote I read of his that sent me reeling.  "Show me a thief and I will cut his throat".  Of course I was told it was taken out of context and it's basic Anti-Mormon material.  Sorry but I check the Journal of Discourses and he indeed said it.   Brigham Young has offered an abundance of fucked up remarks.  Prophets, and more simply, good righteous men DO NOT say the shit he did.  He is the only reason I would ever need to leave the LDS faith. (Even though there are many many more)
My testimony of the Book of Mormon was nothing more than an attachment to my youth and family.  The people I trusted never openly discussed my concerns.  It's easier to go along with the norm.  It's hard and it can be frightening to abandon everything you were raised to believe.  I appreciate reading articles from people who have also left the church.  It is refreshing to hear their stories.  The church is not true.  I don't know if God exist, but I am willing to move forward and rely on being true to myself.  Only good can come from this way of life.